Assalamualaikum mama
It's your eldest son, reaching out to you across the digital world. This is something that I have been keeping from you quite a while, and if I have shared with you the link, it would mean that I have completed my mission of compiling this masterpiece. All for your reading pleasure. For better reading experience through your phone I would recommend landscape layout. Desktop or tablet should be just fine as it is.
I'm not sure if my style of writing suits your cup of tea, knowing that you are the master of reading and I have never read Mills and Boon. I only remember reading a few lines from the book, because if you had hundreds of its books it must be something good to read, kan? I read a few lines which made no sense and I left it at that. Rather stick to Enid Blyton or Roald Dahl.
So much to tell you, to be honest and I am limited with the characters of the roman alphabet and my ability of maintaining perspective/paradigm/composure, forming the best words and ensuring my story and its contents are cohesive from start to end.
For starters, this site is dedicated to you for a few reasons...
1. For me to literally let go all of my positive energy into writing
2. Reading material for you
3. The story of how your son, your creation reaching a full emotional circle in life, cemented over the internet
I will not be telling 40 years of my life's story chronologically as that would be unnecessary and just telling the key phases of my life would mean showing you this mind map I have drawn and it would make no sense to you at all lol.
There are 5 introductions that would be key to understanding my current state of mental clarity before sharing with you the significant stages in my life.
The draft of this blog began in April 2021. I will aim to finish it before your next birthday - 22nd January 2022.
Kind of a cool date for a deadline if you think about it - 22/01/22.
Intro 1 - Attributes I could not trace its origin
As peculiar as this may sound, while I was diving into my emotional depths tracing back the origins of all my positive forces - I could not help to notice but these traits were traits that were consistent, at every stage of my life.
Hence these imparted or instilled behaviors would, I assume took place while I was very young, before my brain began developing its memory region.
1. Bendul/straight
Yes, I remember being straight as a ruler since forever. If I lied to you or papa, it would be so damn obvious. If something was wrong, I will not be able to resist the temptation to state the obvious.
White is white and black is black. Nothing can be further from the truth.
So much so that this behavior became amplified throughout my teenage life, and I learned to become more brave and vocal to protect and uphold what is right. Which brings my straightness to manifest itself into my next point.
2. Good vs evil
That's right. Because since we were very little we were taught about the concept of judgement and doing good on earth. Superhero vs super villain. Heaven vs hell etc. Then there is the constant battle between good and evil, always depicted in cartoons and movies.
Then as we grew older, I learned about the evil residing inside us all. The kind of evil that lingers behind the curtains of our character and we might never see it even after we die.
With that in mind, I became even more convinced with the idea that I am not pure. I am a mere mortal and satan can take over anytime. By being good, either inside our outside (antagonist vs protagonist) - evil will lose one battle. Evil never sleeps, so those who are good should fight evil whenever they can.
Kelakar kan. My so called bendul-ness makes me laugh so hard some times. Which is why point 1 and 2 is the biggest "foundation" everything else beyond this point is shared, sits on.
And to imagine I had this sewn within me from the very beginning of my life, makes me shed tears of happiness. It heals me and makes me smile in my heart. And when I smile in my heart, it is a timeless smile.
A smile that lingers both, in my mind and heart that gives me warmth and sets me at peace. Even more mind blowing is no zikir is required to achieve this state of clarity, or what we learned as mutma'innah.
I could never grasp the idea of that at first. How to achieve the so called state of calmness, by removing all the evil inside us. To me, that translates to "I will never be good enough to achieve that state".
The moment I was able to word it as mental clarity, I realized that I have been in this state for a while. Only I was no able to perceive it then later on word it.
Intro 2 - Perspective and composure of the internal eye
When my creative side met technology, I began exploring my writing skills. I began to create articles and short stories. When I came across free sites for blogging (like this one), I was on fire.
I would spend a few hours after we come back from gelanggang in front of the PC. Usually after gelanggang I would be still awake and fresh, and in order to wind down from gelanggang session I would pour my heightened awareness or intellectual breakthroughs through my blog sites.
Blogging has become a new drug for my mind and soul. I had up to 20 blogs at one point. I had so many things to write that it improved my ability to type fast and also maintain a certain perspective while the content is being presented to the reader. My composure improved so much so that it gels well when I type on the keyboard. I tried working with a phone, but it's not the same.
Reason being is with the phone we are limited to 2 thumbs but on a keyboard we are able to use 8-10 fingers. I use 10 fingers and we had a good mechanical keyboard back then, it eased typing so much so it helps maintain composure even better.
The internal eye, now serves 2 purposes - to write and to reflect inside.
It's like Allah compensating my lazy eye, with an internal eye like no other eye He has blessed his fellow subjects with. This is very rare, if I were to guestimate the probability of such thing happening to the current human population I think its easily 1 in every 100 million people (probably more, a humble hunch). It's an internal eye that will sit on this lovely foundation blessed upon me. An eye that will not only observe everything from every single way possible, an invisible limb that will terraform and later on in life become an internal core, creating gravity. A pulling force for all the goodness inside me to combine.
I just close my eyes, and I feel like a counsel of positive energy, like lights, beaming inside my head. Sounds crazy i know, but only you will understand or fathom this serenity.
My emotional intelligence developed so much that sometimes it would overwhelm my IQ. So IQ and EQ will always clash heads inside me but it wasn't later on that it made sense. Its like my awareness tends to shift its paradigm by itself. IQ and EQ always trying to balance itself. My mind is a big space so I imagine problems and solutions in shapes of 2D, to 3D, to 4D and the final form of observation - timeless. My brainwaves are firing at a frequency so broad that other people around me can sense it. They smile at me so easily and I never turn down a smile.
To think that senyum itu sedekah, and all i need to do is smile inside and light up the whole place. Then everything made sense, when people say finding the light inside or having tunnel vision. Oh my dear mama life is such a full circle.
Intro 3 - IQ and EQ
EQ is relatively a new thing, it began to attract public attention some time in 1995. IQ was way before, I think even before Einstein's time. The actual reference I would prefer is emotional intelligence, but for content's sake I will relate EQ to actually being emotional intelligence, because quotient is a mathematical reference and we cannot measure emotions by numbers.
I never told you this, but the first night I slept on my government subsidized bed in MCKK was a sublime experience.
All the while up to that point, sleeping would mean looking at something familiar. Even if it was a sleep over at Mak Ngah's place or kampung papa, it would always be a place I am familiar.
Until I was tucked in under my mosquito net / kelambu at Dorm E Prep School. The silent night, smell of starch oozing out from the mosquito net and sounds of multiple frogs, crickets and bugs are so loud yet so fresh in my mind.
It was the first time I was out of my element. Like really really out of my element.
It was secondary school in another state, and no girls as it is a boys school.
If I wanted to go home, its a 3 hour journey back to KL.
Very soon we were to complete an assessment to determine our classes and English classes.
We were divided into 4 classes and I got enrolled into the last class, which is the lowest 30 students in my batch.
For English class I was the 2nd group.
I quickly made the conclusion that my 4A in UPSR was completely useless in this environment.
This is where my EQ became a full time pilot, for the very first time in my life. While watching the mosquito net across my face and struggling to fall asleep. Some of my friends were already snoring deep into slumberland.
It was from this moment onwards, I could never ever turn off my EQ. I had to slog like no other person in my batch. I suppressed all feelings of shame and guilt at the time. I can never meet standards this high. Everyone is better than me in every single way imaginable.
But I never ever whined inside my heart. I kept going no matter what. Cekalkan hati sampai mati. Our education system was a mental torture to me, and that was not even half way of my life.
MCKK years was probably the worst experience for my EQ. Explains why I was hyper all the time, got bullied. But I used waterpolo and brotherhood as a coping mechanism without me realizing it.
Then I failed to meet the requirements to continue studying Form 4. I figured that was it. Life will continue with green pants. I accepted the fact that I will never ever be good enough, and I just held on to that pain and frustration all to myself with no one to talk about or share with.
If only someone was there for me, aware of my situation and tell me what I should do at the time. Because everything about my life was already preprogrammed. I was on auto cruise so basically my IQ never really developed. The pilot for my IQ side has gone missing since forever and he may never ever return. Terminal stupidity.
My worst slog in life was probably prior to facing SPM. PMR with mediocre results taught me that I was far behind. Form 4 and 5 came - the system was different and the subjects were tougher than lower secondary being a science stream student. MCKK had no art stream and that was my choice when I knew that my PMR results did not make the mark.
Yet Papa made the decision for me to continue in MCKK without consulting me. It was his choice to put me back there, and I had no say. Up to that point it was pretty obvious that I'm not fit to be there competing with all these incredible students. Going there again would only mean disaster repeating itself. Yet I closed my eyes and swallowed it. Embraced it and made it mine.
Even after that in life I realized I am nowhere near clever or intelligent. I amped up my curiosity to 10000% to a point that I would always be curious, about every knowledge I don't know. I gain this by talking to people, and I try to put myself inside the shoes of brilliant people just to understand their mindset and how their emotions work.
So I use my EQ to understand logic. I use my EQ to develop my IQ so that maybe I can become smarter some day. Make better decisions for myself. Which would explain why I am such a risk taker, but not a gambling addict. Those were all learning curves, to a bigger learning curve in life.
I am so used to be out of my comfort zone, I'm almost game for any risk available out there provided its safe and not a scam. Which would explain my inclination towards sports in school and later on into jungle activities and outdoor sports.
I cannot compete with my peers when it came to studies and sports. So i took my competitive spirit elsewhere. In tardiness and religious matters. I managed to khatam Al Quran while in MCKK another 3 times. Including the time with Ustazah Nik at Abu Bakar Mosque, 4 times in my lifetime.
But all that was just reading with no knowledge of the translation. I don't know, maybe this was the one where I solidified my foundation without me knowing, thinking that mengaji or being at the surau early was just a coping mechanism from being a nobody. Nothing to do with regards to connecting with Allah kot. Who knows. We have just stepped into Allah's territory. Rewind sikit.
Intro 4 - Hardship
Not sure why this is too obvious to me. Maybe because my memory has the longest from everyone, hence I remember the days when Papa was driving us around in his Proton Saga.
I would walk to school every day. Being early was the only thing I figured would yield me competitive, given that my peers are mostly Chinese and Indians, and with Mrs Rajen I never felt Malay had any kind of superiority.
In fact, it was when I went to MCKK and later on UiTM - I was poured with all these Malay essence I was missing my entire life. From mat rempits to having hobbies, at the same time our family was falling apart. The Proton Wira giving problems, typical of Proton and their cronies. Spare parts are low quality and Proton Wira is not a good daily car compared to the Saga. Hence every month I would have to make trips to the workshop and look into all the noises coming from the car.
In almost every stage in my life there was hardship. If not me go looking around for it. Things like internal peace and kesabaran made no sense some times. For some reason my eyes have been programmed to see everything as hardship, look for hardship, burden, struggle, suffer, pain, fight, rise, fall, etc. The very dark side of emotions corrupted me to a point where my EQ began to fall apart. I amped up my coping mechanism. I tried some marijuana and became even more active in sports. Medication from hospital only made me function at a baseline requirement for a society. Anything a tad more complex, I will not be able to operate. Even copying and pasting became very very difficult.
The last straw was when I lost awareness while driving. I was awake, but my pilot was gone. My EQ pilot went somewhere in the back to get something, rendering my mind was blank. I kept driving until I hit the concrete divider and the car could no longer be pulled out from the momentum.
Alas, I give up.
Paycheck life is a lie Papa instilled inside us. The garbage collection people are getting basic salary today and are outsourced to Bangladeshis. The result from every Malaysian chasing the Malaysian dream.
Makes us vulnerable, apply more loans and credit cards.
Studying is not my forte. Our education system is flawed.
People sense my friendliness, my positivity and turn it, twist it and bend it in every single way imaginable. A nice guy like me don't belong in this world. It hurts so much that I can only scream in my head over and over again.
Yet I swallow everything and make it mine.
I embrace it, because if I don't, someone else will and someone else might get hurt.
Pain is an old friend.
The frustration and anger keeps spiraling inside every time because I refuse to let it out. It has nowhere to go.
Family is a lie.
Money is a lie.
Life is a lie.
Religion is a lie.
So many lies in life, what's the point in living, really?
I turned Atheist for a while. Convinced that god does not exist. If he does, he's too busy managing other things more important. Still waiting for him my entire life but my number hasn't come up yet.
Then I turned to Christianity, to go look for other types of evil and make friends with them. Turns out I cannot go murtad because murtad means 'return'. For people like me, born into Islam - have no way of changing religion. At least that's what the process in JPN appears to be. Need to hire a lawyer and probably not get approved by court.
I attended a Protestant church, sing songs (I don't sing, just sit down and close my eyes and use the lyrics to focus inside. Sometimes I sleep) and connect with my inner self. Listen to the sermon. Ah. Finally, I can heal. In this temple, I can heal and breathe fresh air once again and find myself, or whatever's left inside to be pieced together again.
My attempts at discovering every possible coping mechanisms has reached its limit. My body might break if I continue further.
When I looked back 40 years of life, I just realized that Allah is the malay name i use to connect with god in the malay language. I feel closer to god when I communicate in English. Maybe because I feel god should be nameless to be absolute (inside) and when I use Allah i give it a name, hence labelling means to differentiate.
Also I don't speak Arabic, so my brain will have to translate it first in order to make sense. Like me teaching someone to sing Utada Hikaru, when both of us don't speak Japanese.
Harnessing my EQ to this level simply makes life meaningful once again. I thank you mama for this life you have given me.
Intro 5 - Modular and modularity
In our Al-Quran Allah mentioned that we are made to complete one another. Ok there's a bit more to that but what I understood at first (or the first level of understanding) was that we are different in race, religion and cultural background. Be nice to each other, live in harmony despite being different.
There was more to that, one that made a big 'click' in my brain. A friend of mine simply used the word "bukak pasang macam drone" and immediately i saw the other side of Allah's magnificent creation.
Meaning some people are not 'swappable'.
And my mind went on to another discovery.
Some people may not have certain 'parts'
And finally, they apply to the mind, body and soul as well.
Some can only go to a certain level of thinking (light thinking) while some can really dive into deep thoughts or various levels of awareness or perspective.
It makes sense now, as to why some people can change and why some cannot.
Some people 'change' because of their environment or how they are nurtured.
Some people 'change' and become an evil version of themselves.
A realization at a cosmic level. It was then I realized that I have been collecting so many 'parts' throughout the years without me even knowing it. The moment I saw them as 'parts' residing inside me - was the moment I realized how lucky I am. Syukur Alhamdulillah sejuta rahmat.
And with this new knowledge I have, my list of friends whom can communicate with me exactly at my frequency now becomes 2 people only. Retrospectively, I am now able to understand more about human beings.
It is simply mind blowing.
Even Hamsa is off that list.
Now that I understand what I have inside me, it makes it so much easier for me to fall asleep. To understand what I feel and what I see while I wait for my heart rate to drop and mind to wander off into dreamland. Back in the day they used to repel one another, making it difficult for me to fall asleep.
People might think I am crazy, they are not wrong because I am a bipolar type 2, mentally unstable or unhealthy compared to society standards.
Well, that's what you get when you force a river.
You cannot force a river. A river needs to find its way.
Chapter 1. Bangsar
Bangsar is 'the' place to be while I was growing up. Nowadays even people from Klang or Sg Buloh will know what Bangkung Row is.
As the title states - Bangsar; is what made us unique mama.
Because as society was maturing, economy booming and norms were very referenced, we were brought up to be what norm has predetermined who we should be. Being kids of Bangsar, our experience growing up has its own unique spice to our character and exposure.
Being able to speak English before Bahasa Malaysia, was one of the contributing factors towards my foundation. Until today I still think English and it amazes me that proficiency in language is not only important for our day to day affairs but also for our journey into the depths of our heart, mind and soul.
Asking the right question, or finding the right 'word' usually unlocks a certain wisdom in ourselves.
This not only gives me the dopamine I require but also the increase of space in my heart and mind. My younger days I would use my imagination and play with toys. Nowadays that same space in my head and heart is a big laboratory. I can imagine charts, diagrams, flows, etc all in 3D, 4D or timeless - so much better now. I can feel so much love, to a point where I can 'connect' with anyone.
I am finally able to control the clashing forces inside me and get them to work together. Who would have thought that you set me on a journey of being the best human being anyone can possibly ever be.
It's so beautiful mama. Then again I wouldn't know maybe you've already obtained this state of clarity I am talking about, and would probably go 'meh'. Hahahahahaha!
All this is because of my exposure and unrelenting desire to learn and improve myself for the better good. So many places, people and environments gave me so much knowledge and wisdom. Took time for me to detox from the bad ones, but once I reached a stage where i have no internal 'cleanup' to be done - I feel so much better now as a human being.
My mind and heart can work together in harmony, synchronously, as like the yin and yang diagram.
If you consider that logo - the yin and yang is a 2D image. Now imagine that same circle and you pan your vision to see it in 3D. Now you are actually looking at a vortex design, heading towards singularity.
Singularity - is how we focus towards our inner self. So far into ourselves that we see nothing anymore. A void.
As human beings, we are full of positive and negative energy. Hence if we have balance in our day to day life, the singularity event will either be good or bad. It can never have both.
This is also a mind blowing discovery, because the void once filled can never be changed. Or the very least you can change, but again this is where we spoke about humans being modular. Cabut pasang parts like a PC or car.
In this void, I have done many many things good and bad. Until my mind snapped and I had to learn how to manage myself better to avoid getting into a manic depressive states(s). Reality clashing with other realities, paradoxes were repelling one another.
It took me an even longer time to discover what is important in life. Or at least what I feel important in my life. I am living it not anyone else.
I don't need a Porche to be happy. The garbage pickup guys are doing a noble deed to society and to the environment. No one else would do it.
How to achieve those goals. Preferably the quickest way possible, and not getting anyone hurt in that process.
Lastly, love. Live it, breathe it, share it around.
2 of my friends commented this regarding my character.
"you have a good head"
"ada duit ke takde duit awak sama saja"
I decided that I will live a life where I don't need money. Or I would earn enough to live by and not own a car ever again. I will manage my wife's car(s).
I will never buy a house because houses today are con jobs. I will probably buy the house I am staying now, or the neighbors house because it has never been occupied since the apartment was erected.
Any woman who hears this would probably run away in an instant. But not Nurul. Even she has the same view in owning a house or the Malaysian dream. Her broken marriage was also due to 'society norm pursuit' and once she was single again she knew what she wanted in life and that's why we gel together very well. Aside from similar hobbies and interests.
Furthermore since I am a very simple guy, its not difficult for Nurul to make me happy. In fact we compete with each other who can make who happier.
Yes mama she even shares my bendul-ness.
We take turns cleaning the kitchen, house and bathrooms. I take out the trash. As often as possible we would have meals together, shower and even solat together.
We switched careers so that we can spend more time with each other.
We moved houses twice.
She never complains or whine. I appreciate the sacrifice she made to resign from her previous job. I was amazed she could work that long in a company like that. It was an unhealthy environment which provokes me to take action towards her boss.
He's a typical chinaman who comes to office 3 hours earlier to check everyone's work. When employees come in at 9 he is already on to everyone around the office, nagging loudly. He will go on and on for the next 9 hours telling staffs how he would do all their work, loudly and boastfully. All the staffs are non-English speaking Malay women and the execs are Chinese and mostly family or extended family members of the CEO.
The women always have to work extra hours and on alternate Saturdays. Especially Nurul because she is in charge for training new joiners which leaves her workload unattended.
Knowing all this going on in her life obviously landed me in a very difficult position. We fought a few times and finally when the opportunity came, I not only influenced her - I was practically telling her to resign for the sake of our marriage (my mental health would be more accurate, but what's the difference lol).
The fact that she took that leap of faith, made me realize that she also knows that this marriage is it. We will both do whatever it takes to make it happen and so far Alhamdulillah the sail is smooth now and I am just excited to see what will happen next.
Chapter 2. MCKK
Earlier we touched a bit about life in MCKK. Form 1 life brings me back to my hyperactive days. A few weeks into things I got used to the bells, the ragging, same schedule day in and day out. Form 1 students are forbidden to enter certain area in Kuala Kangsar town. Namely Yut Loy restaurant because the F5 students hang out at the 1st floor and they usually smoke cigarettes and are very rowdy.
We were also forbidden to go anywhere beyond the cinema (can't remember was it Rex or Capitol). I think that was the limit anyway for all the students because that road would end up to the housing areas in Kuala Kangsar and later to the trunk road heading north (Taiping).
The MCKK life that I fondly remember you sending me to the train station early in the morning. The smell of exhaust from the trains and food from the train cafeteria. We would stop for breakfast at A&W, and once done we would walk to the platform to buy the platform ticket. The train would usually be late, sometimes 30 minutes late. Their ETA on the ticket is never accurate. At least they try to be.
Once the train starts to move, my view would change from place to place. After waving at you, as the train moves further and further away I would see familiar faces walking up and down the isle. Some returning to their seats while late comers were looking for their seats with a huge bag. Back then luggage bags were not available like today. Everyone was with a backpack or the canvas type bag.
I am all tucked in and bowel full, ready to nap. It would travel slow at first, gaining speed later on when the tracks have less curves and the next station is further ahead. Even after 20 minutes into the journey we would still be in KL.
Leaving KL by 8am meant we would reach KK by 10.30am or 11am. Teksi sapu already standing by, knowing instantly MCKK students with big bags needs a lift. I would decline politely and walk. Jimat duit.
I remember once or twice riding in those teksi sapu, but after getting into boarding school rhythm I didn't need to carry so many things back home or back to hostel. Arriving early meant that I would be able to choose my pillow and mattress for the year. This hit me when I was in form 4, because I joined after the appeal and everyone was into their rhythm of classes and other routines.
Anyway, hostel life had so many hardships to offer. Not including the seniors who picked on me, just because my face was similar to their senior who beat them. They had a hunch that I was the younger brother, but I wasn't.
Still, because I looked so similar to that guy I got picked on nonetheless. It caused me to have even more pent up anger, frustration and embarrassment. To deal on top of my studies. Why else my score in form 3 was bad? It was too much for me to handle but no one asked.
At a very young age, I had to deal with so many complex emotions on top of having to struggle with hostel life, the life papa wanted me to have so much. He would enjoy the type of brotherhood hostel life would offer because he grew up alone and probably had no close friends.
Looking back at my hostel life, I don't remember much of papa giving me advise on life. He was just there as a figure and he outsourced everything else to MCKK teachers, staffs and seniors. But I learned most from my friends and close friends.
Learning about life from life itself - is a huge gamble in itself and the outcome is just too unpredictable. For some reason, your son survived.
Nonetheless it wasn't all bad all the time. As I dedicated myself to revive a dead sport, it gave me focus, means to cope and a sport I can excel since size does not matter in swimming or waterpolo.
Ok size matters a little bit for waterpolo.
We had good brotherhood. Because the sport was a dead sport, it took us 4 years to bring MCKK back into the waterpolo scene, state level. We had the highest number of certified life savers throughout our years in MCKK. We even had a swim team and waterpolo team for every batch. Waterpolo did not have much hype with my batch, but not for the other batches and new joiners after we left.
I did feel the sense of pride in achieving 2nd Perak. We really busted our asses to make something out of waterpolo before we graduate/finish form 5. Even so, having that pride does not give me the bragging rights since we are a minority sport and quite a few of our teammates are queers and majority of them are jambu. If it wasn't for my batch whom had mostly big sized guys, we would have been called pondan athletes.
That gave us the nickname 'sindiket', in reference to having scandals with jambu and queers. When Nurul understood the reference a few years into our marriage, she became furious!
I laughed so hard.
Throughout Form 1 to 5 I never did well in any mid term or final year exams. Just blindly finishing my homework and trying to memorize everything out of text books and daily exercises was clearly insufficient. I had to do something different this time. By Form 4 I had more trouble coping with my studies as we had lab classes (Physics, Chemistry, Biology) and that was even more challenging than Form 3 maths.
Form 4 and 5 we had 2 types of maths which was add maths and modern maths. I aced at modern maths as it was mostly about logic, diagrams and matrixes.
Add maths was astrophysics compared to anything I have ever seen before. I failed every exam even trial exams. For SPM I managed to get a credit.
When my SPM results were announced, I almost fainted that I did not fail my SPM or any subjects I took. I scored an aggregate of 14, which meant I was in the average group. No longer in the bottom group as how I used to be.
Chapter 3. UiTM
Once SPM was over, it meant my school and hostel life was over. It was back to Bangsar, sleeping under a familiar ceiling once again and eating home cooked food. Or McDonalds.
But when
